I've realized that hating people is so easy to do. But I have this sweet disposition no matter how sadistic or how mean I am. I sometimes think I try too hard to be mean. i don't want to be a pushover! I don't want to love those who hurt me! Make it stop! I want to stop crying on the inside! I want to let the tears spill! I want them to see me, to know me! No, they don't deserve to know me! What did they ever do to deserve to know, really know who I am?!
Sometimes I get so upset. I say this in a calm manner but my head is twisting in so many ways I just can't get a grip. I feel like screaming and thrashing me head from side to side. But I can't. I'm not sure if I'll ever tell you why, but I hope.. you'll understand...
Why did I even want to make this blog?!
The people I know might find it! They'll laugh! Or even worse... they'll know.
So why did I make this? Why am i here?
Maybe.... Maybe I just wanted someone... someone to be there. Someone to listen. I met this awesome person recently (that's for a later post) but she told me: "You'll have to tell SOMEONE or you'll go insane."
Am i already insane? I haven't talked about stuff for a long time!
No. I'm still sane. I have my head intact. I have reason. I know what I'm doing.
Good. Slow and calm. Just stop the rush. Stop the waves from crashing... Just.. Let. Go.
At least for a little while.
Even for just a minute.
Breathe. Breathe.
Okay. I wish for a little wish that I wish I could have a wish to wish to wish what i wish to wish.
Do you get it? Good.
I want to stop the pain. I want to stop feeling. I want my life... to what? End? is that what I really want? Is that what suicidal people really want!? I don't think so. Suicide is just plan B. It is always plan B. When all else fails, right? How do I know what suicidal people think about? Am I suicidal??? No.
No.. I have to confirm it to myself. You. Are. Not. Suicidal.
Maybe this is just a phase. Everything gets better. Doesn't it? Yes it does, But I guess in my heart I know it doesn't. But we have to believe in something don't we?
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