Friends

I love my friends. They mean the world to me. Family was never my top priority. Why should they be? They give me food, the clothes on my back, my education, my financial support. They give me the means to live. My friends? They're the reason why I live. I just want to be with them forever!

I've been through a lot. I've been through too much.

Sometimes, I wish I was born stupid. I wish I didn't understand a thing. What's scarier, not knowing the answers or knowing everything that's going to happen, no matter how terrifying they seem? I don't like understanding problems or having to know them in the first place. I don't think a child should have to go through all that.

People often tell me things like: "You don't know anything" or "For a smart girl you're pretty good at being dumb". You can't ever tell a person those things. Everybody has a reason for doing what they do.

I hope my friends really love me. I promised myself I'll always be anything for them. Anything.

I've never been afraid of the dark, going to the bathroom alone, clowns or anything every child was supposed to be afraid of but when I woke up alone in the room I would scream and scream for my mother and every time I screamed and she never came I don't know... She came in the end but I cried her name a lot. I know that she was busy or couldn't hear me but I think that's what frightened me.

My friends, are you busy? I can help you! I can even do it for you. Just... please don't leave me alone. Don't cry or be scared. I'm right here, see? If you're feeling scared I'll be here to make it all better. If somebody ever threatens you, I'll be there to jump in front of you, whether it's a fist or a gun, I don't care. Nobody is going to hurt you. No matter how many times I get hurt I'm not going to die, I won't leave you. And... if you feel like you need to have new friends, I'll be there to push you towards them.

Don't worry, if you need me I'll always be here. I... know, I don't want to be alone. But others being alone hurts me too. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be happy. I'm too selfless yet I'm also selfish. I'd put other people before myself even if it meant hurting myself.

Graduating

I'm so freaking tired. I'm so tired and sick of it all. What the hell did you expect? I'm not Albert Einstein or Stephen hawking I'm not a freakin' genius. I forget things often. I have a hard time concentrating. I have a hard time going to sleep. If you wanted to choose my freaking course and freaking college then why don't you attend yourselves?
I'm done. I've done everything I could to please you. Can't you see I barely know myself anymore? Why can't I live my own life? Is everybody raising me for the sake of my own future or so that I can be saddled with them to support them until the either of us dies?
I wanted MMA. I get it. It's unsuitable because it's not wise for the future. I'll be unemployed and poor, i get that. So, what do you want me to take?
"Choose what you like." I did, you didn't like it. It's a poor job.
"Choose what you're good at." I like drawing and writing and I'm fairly good at it.
"Yes, but they're not good choices because they are poor jobs (plus there are tons of people better than you.)"
Okay. O-freakin-kay.
How about IT!? There's a one hundred percent passing rate and you get a job right after and it pays well!!! And it's credited abroad!
"Yes, but get a job in health will you? It'll be good in Australia. None of your studies here will be credited in Australia. TRUST US. Never mind that you're irrationally afraid of it. Get over it."
Do you want to hear me cuss? 'Cause that's how you get me to FREAKIN' cuss at you control freaks. What the hell will I do in Australia? Huh? Am I in Australia? Tell me when I'll go to Australia? you don't know? Nah, you must be kidding me. You guys know everything, RIGHT?
IF YOU WANTED ME TO GET A JOB IN AUSTRALIA THEN I SHOULD HAVE STUDIED IN AUSTRALIA WHICH COULD HAVE HAPPENED IF WE STILL LIVED THERE!!!
Oh, my bad. I don't know anything so excuse me.
I'm so done I just want to cry but I don't. I've forgotten how to and I'm not allowed to.
Who am I?

Keeping It In

Do you know how satisfying it is to finally express yourself? Don’t tell me you’ve kept it in. One way or another, you’ve let it out. Through your mood, through your actions and words. What have I ever done? I did nothing. I have let people shape me to their needs. Somehow…. They still won’t let me in. I’ve never done anything I’ve wanted to do, well, maybe I have but I’ve never been free to do so. Every time I did something I wanted to I could hear the voices telling me I couldn’t, scolding me, beforehand. Every single time! Why can’t I be free!? Don’t tell me to calm down! Don’t pretend, don’t you dare lie to my face, that you actually care about me!!! Everybody’s like that. They only notice you when you’re gone, when you’re broken beyond repair. What the hell do you expect to do then!? You can say you tried, I won’t deny you of that. But you lost. I lost. Why won’t anybody let me in!? I’m already trying to open up yet the words I kept in for so long are already gone. I thank, adore and envy the people who can put into words what I feel and how I think. I want to help you!!! Everybody’s pushing me away! They’re hurting but I can’t help them! I can’t reach them because they won’t let me. Why won’t you let me in? Please don’t hurt anymore. I don’t want you to feel the sadness that envelops me every second. I don’t want you to make the sacrifices I’ve already done before. Please don’t hurt yourself because I’ve done that already! Please, please, please let me help you!!! Take my hand… take it… Don’t share my pain; I know it well enough to take yours. Why, why, why, why!!!!!!!!!!!???? I don’t want to cry! Sometimes I want to cry but they are gone! My feelings, my emotions all dried up and blown away! LOOK AT ME! Even now you can’t even see me… What do I have to do? What more do I have to give up!? I’m sorry but I have nothing else to give. I’m sorry that I’m useless. I’m sorry I get in your way. Don’t assume things for me! Just because I say sorry more than you doesn’t mean I don’t mean every single one of them. I… I don’t even know who I am anymore… Who am I? Please… tell me… I can be who you want me to be! I can make you happy! I’m sorry, I got lost. I can’t tell how to please you anymore. Sorry. How many more times do I have to say it? ‘Till my last breath… I like it when you smile, laugh and be happy. I don’t have to be happy, as long as I know you are, everything will be okay. Don’t worry about me. I like to say things like that even though you don’t. Hollow satisfaction. Hollow victory. A hollow me.
Can I cry? It would be nice if you could show me how.

Don't Be Afraid

Hey there! I'm back! And guess what?
I don't think I'm sad anymore.
Approaching my last year of high school and I've overcome my depression from the last two years.
Brilliant!
I do feel sad sometimes but when I'm happy I am truly happy.
I watch children shows but my favorite is Sofia the First. The songs are so adorable and they have good lessons. We can all learn something.
I have a song from on of the shows I watch and I listen to it when I feel lonely/sad/scared.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiWlOGixxAk

Enjoy.
You know, you shouldn't be afraid.
In the show Sofia the First, Prince Desmond was so scared of everything and Sofia told him that there was nothing to be afraid about and he replied:
"There's always something to be afraid of."
And he's right you know.
I mean, right now you could go blind from reading this or get butt cramps from sitting down too much and you should be afraid, right?
If you want to that's not my problem but it will be yours. You shouldn't care about being afraid because one day you're going to be bitten by one of these snakes and you're going to say: "I knew it!" while others will be saying: "Well, it's about time." They can happily be bitten by the snake because they were never afraid. They didn't spend their life worrying or waiting. They did what they were supposed to do.
They lived.
You should too. Never be afraid.
And if you fall, it's okay.
'Cause everyone gets hurt sometimes.
And if you're still feeling scared then I'm not requiring you not to be afraid.
You can just be brave.
Doing things even if you're scared.
Good Luck! ^_^

Angry Me

OH MY GOSH.
I MEAN WHAT THE FRICKIN HELL?????

IT'S OUR PROM.
OH, BTW IN CASE EVERYONE HASN'T NOTICED:

I HATE PROM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT IS TOTALLY OVERRATED.
IT TAKES OVER MY FAVORITE SUBJECT.
IT BREAKS MY SELF-CONFIDENCE WHICH IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
I ALWAYS GET SCOLDED.
I AM NOT A FASHIONABLE LADY.
I CAN'T CATWALK.
I CAN'T POSE.
THEY JUDGE YOUR LOOKS.
THEY JUDGE YOUR CLOTHES AND MAKE-UP.
EVERYBODY WILL BE CRITICIZING.

I AM GOING TO FLIP OUT AND RUN OFF THE RAMP.


I HATE PROMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you think?

Happy New Year.
Please... clean up your acts this year.
Thank You.
I will too.
Okay.
Out.

Mkay, Goals For 2014

Gawsh, one year closer to me dying. Yeech.
Well, my friend is doing this so I decided to do it as well because I find it interesting and a good motivation for a post. Alright let us start with...

GOALS:

1. Be in the top Ten Overall
2.Give my best in every subject
3. Be more tidy.
4. Keep Reading.
5. Do more.
6. Fix myself.
7. Repair my self-esteem (this is going to be tough)
8. Be more outgoing.
9. Socialize more
10. Learn to trust others more (GAWSH WHAT?)
11. Don't be so mean to the guys.(DRAT I love doing thaaat~whines~I am like boy repellent)
12. Be more confident(try at least)
13. Be more industrious.
14. Join more co- curricular activities
15. Stand up for myself
16. Say what's on my mind.
17. Let it out
18. Learn self defense (or at least try to get stronger. I'm a pile of skin and bones, mate!)
19. Learn to eat more food.
20. Stay myself through thick and thin no matter how many changes I have. I'll always be me.

Thanks to everyone! What's yours?