Keeping It In

Do you know how satisfying it is to finally express yourself? Don’t tell me you’ve kept it in. One way or another, you’ve let it out. Through your mood, through your actions and words. What have I ever done? I did nothing. I have let people shape me to their needs. Somehow…. They still won’t let me in. I’ve never done anything I’ve wanted to do, well, maybe I have but I’ve never been free to do so. Every time I did something I wanted to I could hear the voices telling me I couldn’t, scolding me, beforehand. Every single time! Why can’t I be free!? Don’t tell me to calm down! Don’t pretend, don’t you dare lie to my face, that you actually care about me!!! Everybody’s like that. They only notice you when you’re gone, when you’re broken beyond repair. What the hell do you expect to do then!? You can say you tried, I won’t deny you of that. But you lost. I lost. Why won’t anybody let me in!? I’m already trying to open up yet the words I kept in for so long are already gone. I thank, adore and envy the people who can put into words what I feel and how I think. I want to help you!!! Everybody’s pushing me away! They’re hurting but I can’t help them! I can’t reach them because they won’t let me. Why won’t you let me in? Please don’t hurt anymore. I don’t want you to feel the sadness that envelops me every second. I don’t want you to make the sacrifices I’ve already done before. Please don’t hurt yourself because I’ve done that already! Please, please, please let me help you!!! Take my hand… take it… Don’t share my pain; I know it well enough to take yours. Why, why, why, why!!!!!!!!!!!???? I don’t want to cry! Sometimes I want to cry but they are gone! My feelings, my emotions all dried up and blown away! LOOK AT ME! Even now you can’t even see me… What do I have to do? What more do I have to give up!? I’m sorry but I have nothing else to give. I’m sorry that I’m useless. I’m sorry I get in your way. Don’t assume things for me! Just because I say sorry more than you doesn’t mean I don’t mean every single one of them. I… I don’t even know who I am anymore… Who am I? Please… tell me… I can be who you want me to be! I can make you happy! I’m sorry, I got lost. I can’t tell how to please you anymore. Sorry. How many more times do I have to say it? ‘Till my last breath… I like it when you smile, laugh and be happy. I don’t have to be happy, as long as I know you are, everything will be okay. Don’t worry about me. I like to say things like that even though you don’t. Hollow satisfaction. Hollow victory. A hollow me.
Can I cry? It would be nice if you could show me how.